I get it, I get it! There’s a gun on the mantle!

“One must not put a loaded rifle on the stage if no one is thinking of firing it.”
Anton Chekhov

Most writers (and probably readers) have heard this advice, although I’d always heard it as “a gun on the mantlepiece,” thanks to which I learned that I had no idea how to spell “mantle.” (Hey, I grew up in the sunny South. Santa came in through the front door.)

Anyway, I’m reading a book (okay, listening to an audiobook–audiobooks rule!) right now–which shall remain nameless–where the endless foreshadowing sans payoff is about to drive me totally bonkers.

Don’t get me wrong–it’s a really good book. I love the characters, the story, the setting, the tone, the language. Gosh. A great book. If only I could go through it with a red pen and remove all the guns and mantlepieces.

Here’s an example of what I mean:

Blah blah 8 chapters of character development and story development about Donny and his friend Gordon, and so on… and then WHAM! Donny, the narrator says, “I had no idea that it would be the winter that tore apart our friendship forever.”

Oh, snap! No way, Donny! Do tell!

Blah blah 4 more chapters of really good writing and lots of interesting stuff–plenty of stuff, really, to keep me reading; I mean, really, what a taut narrative! I am so engrossed in this story! And then WHAM! Donny says, “If only I’d known that everything that has happened since that winter was telegraphed in that conversation.”

What can you possibly mean, Donny? (Because said conversation was about, like, running shoes.)

Blah blah for another 5 chapters, Donny and Gordon go on with their lives and things really start to get interesting. What amazing writing this is. I’m enthralled. Then–WHAM! Donny says, “In a way, what Gordon and I realized that morning was that some inevitable point was approaching for both of us, after which nothing would ever be the same. Of course, neither of us knew it until it was too late.”

COME ON, DONNY, THROW ME A FRICKIN’ BONE HERE!

By this point in the story, all I can think of is that something horrible is about to happen. I can hardly keep my mind on the primary storyline any longer. The mantlepiece is piled high with guns, and I am about one glass of white wine away from skipping to the end of the story to see how they’re fired and who gets shot.

I mean, yeah, foreshadowing is all well and good, but for heaven’s sake, you don’t have to start telegraphing the ending in every chapter. It’s like the old Nancy Drew serials–every chapter ends with a BUM-BUM-BUMMMMM, such as an ominous phone call or a body found in the hospital broom closet.

The dour predictions and hints are laid on so thick that the following actually happened: I accidentally had not downloaded the final segment (since audiobooks are broken up into multiple files). I was listening to the last one I had, and saw that there was an hour left. “Aha!” I thought. “Finally I will get to hear how everything fell apart and Donny and Gordon ceased to be friends.”

Forty-five minutes left… thirty minutes left… eight minutes left… I thought, “Well, it’s going to be a sudden ending, but at least I will get to know what the heck Donny was moaning about all this time!”

WRONG, of course. When I realized there were six more hours of what is otherwise a fantabulously well-written audiobook, I was SAD. That is SO BAD, my friends. I never, ever want my audiobooks to be over. They are my friends, and I want them all to be 45 hours long. I should have been so excited to learn that Donny and Gordon and I were going to get another 8 chapters together.

As an author, this is probably the second-worst thing you can do to your readers. (The first is to write a terrible book that everyone claims is really good and you’re a dummy if you don’t like it.) This crime–the second–is to write an amazing book that they wish they were done with, already.

(The third is to write a terrible book that they read anyway, because they want to know how it ends. The fourth is to write a boring book that wastes their time but is ultimately ditchable.)

So please, fellow authors. Maybe you’re planning some gunfire in chapter 26. But do me a favor and keep the gun off the mantle until chapter 22 or so.

PS – Next week is my first week blogging as a member of the 2009 class of The Debutante Ball, a wonderful group blog for debut authors. I start blogging Tuesday, and I’m joined by a bunch of other cool authors, whose books all sound very excellent and intimidating. I’m the first YA debut author, so please meander over there Tuesday and read my post and comment and be all, “Wow, Katie, you are AWESOME!”

Related posts:

1. Nobody walks in LA
2. Where did I put that kitchen sink?
3. This one is for you, M.E.

August 28th, 2008 Katie Alender

Tags: advice, katie expresses an opinion, reading, writing